Drink Away
by YolondasUnknownRealm
Summary: A night of drinking goes awry for Doofenshmirtz and he ends up somewhere he really shouldn't be. Meanwhile, Perry is forced to team up with Peter the panda when it turns out his nemesis is missing as well.
1. Chapter 1: Breakin' not Stirred

Drink away

Chapter 1: Breakin' Not Stirred

The latest inator crashed to the ground, shattering into pieces with every visible wire sparking. On top of the shrapnel stood a very smug platypus.

"Oh, C'mon!" Heinz Doofenshmirtz flailed widely. "The indestruct-inator _itself_ wasn't indestructible?!"

To his side, near the window, Perry the platypus spared him no attention. He smashed through the window and para-glided away. His job was done.

"Oh, yeah. You just _go_ Perry the platypus." Doofenshmirtz said, despite knowing the small teal mammal couldn't hear him anymore. "Just break my window. Like you do my doors and my walls... You know what? Why don't I just live in a house with no walls? That's right, I should move into a place with no walls. Then you'll be sorry!"

He continued muttering to himself as he walked away from the ruined part of his lab. He'd make Norm clean up for him later, right now he just wanted to mope about the failings of his latest scheme.

It hadn't even been an evil plan in his opinion. He'd just wanted to zap his own building and prevent it from any more destruction via platypus. So what if Perry would never be able to break in again? He could just use a door like everyone else.

He grumbled to himself as he turned his computer on. He grabbed a cup of coffee and checked his blog. Dozens of cat pictures and memes filled the screen. He took a sip of coffee as he scrolled down the page.

Suddenly there was a small ding sound as the computer alerted him of an incoming chat message. Ignoring his blog for the moment, he open the alert. A small L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N themed chat box appeared on screen.

 **Undisputedrulr: Greetings doofen-slouch.**

Doofenshmirtz glared at the comment. Undisputedrulr, better known as Rodney, was not one of his favorite people. Nor was he really what Heinz wanted to deal with right now.

 **tristateleader: What do you want, Rodney?**

 **Undisputedrulr: Is that anyway to greet your superior?**

He growled at the comment. Classic Rodney. Worse still, he could never come up with a snappy comeback fast enough. Before he could even begin typing a response, Dr. Diminutive logged on.

 **Ohsotall has logged in**

 **Ohsotall: Hey guys, there's an Evil happy hour going on over in Seattle. Wanna come?**

Doofenshmirtz leaned back. Out of the corner of his eye he could still see the mess from earlier. A night of drinking sounded great right about now. Even if his drinking buddies were going to be that annoying Rodney and Dr. 'ohsotall' Diminutive.

 **tristateleader: Yeah, I'll go**

"Well," Doofenshmirtz said to himself. "It'll take my mind off my destroyed indestruct-inator. Now that I think about it, was that irony or coincidence?"


	2. Chapter 2: I'm Here Tequila You

Drink away

Chapter 2: I'm here tequila you

They were riding in Diminutive's car. As per usual, the small man was out to over-compensate and was driving the largest vehicle possible. Doofenshmirtz wasn't even sure if it was really a car or just a small house someone decided to put wheels on. It had plenty of room, though.

Diminutive was too short to operate it in the usual way, so there was an elaborate system of pulleys, levers and strategic use of cinder blocks in the drivers side, rendering him the only one capable of driving. At least, it did if you didn't want to end up as a human pretzel. Which had left Rodney and Doofenshmirtz to fight over the front passenger side of the car.

Doofenshmirtz glared from the backseat.

'Leave it to Rodney to call shotgun.' Doofenshmirtz thought to himself. 'With an actual shotgun. Well, shotgun _ray_. Whatever that means. What, does it shoot out shotguns? Or are the rays specifically designed to home in on shotguns? Neither of those even make sense!'

The car ride hadn't really been that long, being evil and all meant that speed limits were more of a suggestion than a rule. Coupled with Diminutive's less then orthodox shortcuts, they had made it to Seattle is record time. Still, it had been late in the day when they started and the sun was just setting as they arrived.

"We're here!" Diminutive announced.

Doofenshmirtz looked out the car window. The words "The Evil Weevil" were laid out in yellow neon tubing across the side of the building. In fact, there was so much neon lighting on the building, he wished he'd brought sunglasses.

"It looks packed." Doofenshmirtz said, getting out of the car. He forgot how high up the car was and fell face-first to the ground. "Ow..."

"This is gonna be great!" Diminutive said, rubbing his hands together. "All drinks are half off all night."

The inside of the bar was just as glowing with neon light as the outside was. Interestingly enough, there was a tropical theme to the decorations, with palm trees, pictures of the ocean and shark cages lining the walls. There was nothing inside to even suggest the place was called the Evil Weevil. False advertising. So evil.

And the people too seemed to come from all walks of life, or rather evil. Different themed villains mingled with other different themed villains. It was quite an odd sight, but a familiar one to Doofenshmirtz, who attended evil conventions regularly.

Somewhere after the fifth drink, Doofenshmirtz and Diminutive lost track of both Rodney and the amount of drinks they've had.

"Oh man, I really needed this." Doofenshmirtz told Diminutive. There was a slight slur to his words as he spoke. "There's only so many failed schemes a guy can take."

"Don't I know it." Diminutive swayed a little in his seat. They'd had the same amount of alcohol, but size played a key role in sobriety." Th-this morning, silent G broke my-"

"You!"

Before Diminutive could ramble on about his morning, a man in a trench coat and a black mask interrupted them. He stood pointing a finger at Doofenshmirtz. He was clearly as drunk as they were.

"I know who you are!" He said.

"Um.." Doofenshmirtz looked to the side. "That makes one of us?"

Growling, the man pulled a picture out of his inner coat pocket. He held it up for both Doofenshmirtz and Diminutive to see.

It was a color photo of Doofenshmirtz and a small giant panda locked in a fierce battle.

"Oh, it's me and Peter the Panda! Where did you get-"

His question was cut short when the man kicked over his chair. A surprising feat for a drunk man.

"Argh!"

"You fought my nemesis!" He said.

"Your nemesis?" Doofenshmirtz said, not bothering to get up off the ground.

"Yes, my nemesis." He swayed a little on his feet, but managed to jerk his thumb towards himself. "I am Professor Mystery."

"I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz." The German scientist responded drunkenly, having somewhat lost track of the conversation.

"I know who you are!" Mystery stamped one foot on the ground, nearly toppling himself. "And I will have my revenge!"

"What' _sch_ going on?" Rodney had finally returned. He was holding a drink in each hand and, much to their chagrin, he was dressed in a hula girl outfit and wearing a cut watermelon on his head. " _Sch_ louchy making a new friend?"

"I'm no friend of his!" Mystery declared while Doofenshmirtz got up off the floor.

"Right back at 'cha, pal." Doofenshmirtz said.

"Oh the drama." Diminutive pulled out his cellphone to start filming the confrontation. "This should be good."

"You're going to pay for stealing my nemesis!"

"In order to have a nemesis, don't you have to be a villain first?" Doofenshmirtz replied, challengingly. The alcohol had not left him with many self-preservation skills.

"GrrRah!" Mystery leaped to attack and the two of them tumbled over the bar counter, fists flying.

"Tonight's going way better than I thought it would!" Diminutive said as he hopped on top of the bar counter filming the fight.

Despite the intoxication, both men proved adept at combat. They'd had plenty of experience from all of their daily battles with O.W.C.A agents. The bar room brawl soon acquired an audience to egg them on.

They'd managed to break a couple tables and just about every glass object in their path before they were interrupted.

"Alright, alright! Break it up!" A very large bouncer strode forward and pulled the two of them apart. "This bar ain't payin' nobody's hospital bill. Ya can finish this in the alley."

With little effort, the large man threw the both of them through a pair of double doors and into said alley. All the while, the large group of onlookers cheered. It just wasn't a true villain party until someone got kicked out. They were just that evil.

Outside, Mystery and Doofenshmirtz crashed into the neighboring brick wall and fell to the ground, bruised and somewhat sobered by the experience.


	3. Chapter 3: Underage Thinking

Drink away

chapter 3: Underage thinking

Earlier that same day...

Perry landed gently on the backyard lawn and quickly resumed 'pet' mode. He made note that the backyard was completely empty. No sign of any of the kids. An odd occurrence.

He made his regular chattering noise in hopes to draw some attention.

"Oh, there you are Perry." Phineas said as he and Ferb stepped through the fence. "Maybe you can help us look for it. C'mon boy."

Perry had no idea what he was referring to, but followed along anyway. Whatever Phineas and Ferb were up to was bound to be interesting. And the fact that he was able to foil Doofenshmirtz much earlier today than anticipated, he would get to see the two of them in action for once.

The boys and their pet quickly made their way to the garage. They wasted no time in opening the door and starting their search for whatever object they were missing.

"Alright, Perry." Phineas said, crouching in front of Perry while holding a paper. "This is what we're looking for. Just do your 'rur rur rur' noise if you see it, boy."

Although Perry looked glassy-eyed on the outside, inside he was rather confused. On the paper was a large crudely drawn square, a ton of other shapes and a bunch of zigzag lines. He didn't know how he'd recognize what was drawn on the paper even if he did come across it. He'd give it a try anyway.

Meanwhile, Phineas and Ferb got to work. They scoured through the obnoxious amount of junk in the garage in record speed. They didn't seem to have any method to their search other then chucking objects over their shoulder with little care. Perry made sure to steer clear of their zealous search.

Instead, he used his small size to weave in between the junk piles to look for the mystery object.

'They really need to clean and organize this place sometime. It's unbelievable how much stuff they've managed to collect.' Perry thought to himself.

An hour soon passed and just as Perry was about to give up the search and leave, he tripped on a canoe paddle and knocked down a huge box. Irritated, he gently lifted it off himself and wondered why they were storing an empty box large enough to fit two full-sized refrigerators.

The box was fairly ordinary at first glance, but then he noticed that someone had drawn all over it with crayon and had even glued bits of triangle-shaped cardboard to the side. From the looks of it, it was as though someone had tried to draw a car, and then hastily tried to change it into a rocket at the last minute. Either that, or someone was just really bad at drawing.

Perry also noticed zigzag lines on the back, probably an effort to represent speed. 'Was this what Phineas and Ferb were trying to find? Only one way to find out.'

He jumped on top of the box, got down on all fours and chattered. The platypus sound got the boys attention.

"It appears Perry has found something." Ferb said, dropping a tire iron.

"Let's go check it out."

The two boys weaved through the junk over to Perry, where they stopped and gazed at the box.

"Huh. That's a weird box." Phineas said.

Ferb didn't say anything, he simple reached inside the box and pulled out a large roll of paper. Turning, he opened it revealing a giant copy the the drawing Phineas had shown before.

"Found it." Ferb said.

"Good job, Perry."

This time, Perry couldn't hide the confusion from showing on his face. He'd thought they were looking for what was drawn on the paper, not a giant version of said paper. He'd clearly missed something earlier. Phineas and Ferb didn't seem to notice though, they were more preoccupied with the box he'd found.

"Hey, Ferb, what do you think this is?"

His brother simply shrugged. He'd never seen it before.

"Let's take it to the backyard. We can get a better look at it there."

"Oh, you guys are so busted!" Candace said, entering the garage just as her brothers picked up the box. "When mom gets- What are you doing with my spacecar?!"

The two boys stopped and gave each other a look.

"Spacecar?" Phineas repeated.

"Erm." Candace cringed. She really hadn't meant to let _that_ slip. "I mean... I've never seen that before in my life. Now go put it back where you found it."

Unfortunately for her, they had stopped listening and started to give the box a scrutinizing stare.

"Wow, Candace. Where did you get a spacecar?" Phineas asked.

"It doesn't appear to be operational." Ferb commented.

"Gah!" Candace pulled at her hair and eyed her brothers. "Of course it's not operational! It's not real. When me and Stacy were little, we used to pretend to go to space. It's just a box we used to play in."

Candace smiled at the memory. Then immediately frowned.

"Unlike you. All _your_ adventures are real and dangerous!"

"You mean to say you never got to ride this into space?" Phineas asked with concern.

"Uh, No." Candace said, slamming the garage door as she left.

"Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today."

Ferb turned to his brother and held up the rolled up drawing from earlier.

"No, not that. We're gonna put that one on hold for now." Ferb stashed the paper back into his pocket. "We're gonna fix this old spacecar into a real working one! So Candace and Stacy can finally take a real ride in it."

Ferb gave his brother a thumbs up.

"Hey, where did Perry go again?"

()

"Sorry about that, agent P." Monogram said. "The annual mandatory party totally slipped my mind. And as the title suggests, it's mandatory."

The two of them walked down the halls of the O.W.C.A headquarters together. They were on their way to the cafeteria where the party was being held. Perry didn't come here often, he was more of a field agent and didn't have much paper work to worry about. Even though he didn't mind seeing his coworkers, he'd much rather have spent time with his family.

"Here we are, agent P." Monogram opened the door for him.

Inside the cafeteria it was filled to the brim with all kinds of animal agents as well as the small portion of humans the agency employed as management. If someone said it looked like a zoo in here, they would be right.

"Ah, it appears someone has brought pie!" Monogram said. "See you later, agent P. Have fun."

Left to his own devices, Perry went to mingle with his rarely seen coworkers. Looking around, he spotted Helga the hawk, Petri the pigeon, the entire squadron of cockroaches and many others from the surveillance part of the agency. That worried him slightly. If the entire surveillance force was here, who was watching the villains?

Perry got the feeling that tomorrow was going to be a very interesting day for the animal agents and their nemesis's.

He then went to get himself some fruit punch.

()

"Hello?" Stacy called from the fence entrance.

"Oh, good you're here." Phineas said. "Candace should be out here any minute."

"Mom! Mom! Mom! Look at what Phineas and Ferb have done!" Candace yelled, running out of the house with their mother in tow.

Their frazzled mother got a good look at the yard. Pulling her arm out of her daughter's grasp, she smiled at the boys.

"Oh, isn't that cute." She clapped her hands together. "The boys are playing in you're old box. You used to love that so much when you were younger. I hope they have as much fun in it as you and Stacy used to."

"But, but, but-"

"Hey, Candace."

"Stacy?" Candace whipped around to face her friend.

"Phineas and Ferb called me over here. Said they wanted to show me something-."

"Stacy!" Candace grabbed her friend by the shoulders. "Listen to me, Phineas and Ferb found our old spacecar! And what's more, they've turned it into an _actual working spacecar_."

"Cool." Stacy replied.

"You kids have fun." Linda said, turning to go back inside the house.

"What?! No, mom! It's real! That box can fly!"

"Such imaginations." Linda said, shaking her head and shutting the glass door.

"C'mon, Candace." Stacy said. "Remember when we used to play in it? Didn't you ever really want to fly that thing?"

"No." Candace said.

Stacy gave her a look.

"Oh." Candace bit her lip. "Maybe a little... Very, very little. Microscopic."

Stacy gave her a hope filled stare. Candace sighed.

"Well, I guess it's not bustable so-"

Stacy wasted no time in grabbing her hand and dragging her over to the box, where Phineas held one side open for them.

"Just relax." Phineas said and closed the door.

"Wow, it's roomy in here." Stacy commented as they sat down.

"Yeah, this is really nice. But what's with this?" Candace asked, holding up a small black object that only had one button and a joystick on it.

"We've hooked up an old atari controller instead of the usual complicated rocket controls. You know, so anyone could fly it." Phineas explained. "And it's wireless too, so you don't have to worry about getting the cord tangled."

"Let's do this!" Stacy grinned and Candace returned the smile.

The two teenage girls took control of the craft just as Phineas and Ferb buckled themselves into the passenger side of the box.

Several hours and a musical number later, they finally returned to the backyard. Stepping off, they turned to each other.

"That was amazing!" Stacy said.

"I know right!" Candace said.

Phineas and Ferb stepped out from behind them, holding onto all the little trinkets they had picked up along the way. It had been nice to see their restaurant again.

"You're right, Ferb." He answered his brother's silent comment. "We should do this again sometime."

"Time for dinner kids!" Linda called from the house. "You can tell me all about your 'space adventures' while we eat."

Perry arrived in the backyard just as Candace was saying goodbye to Stacy at the fence.

"Bye Stace!" She said.

Candace raised her hand to wave goodbye when she realized she was still holding onto the atari controller.

"Oops, I better put this back."

"Candace! Hurry up, dinner is getting cold!" Linda called. "Oh, and bring Perry in with you."

"Coming! Gah." She raced back to the spacecar, chucked the controller back in the box, and grabbed Perry. "Let's go, meatbrick."

She ran into the house, never sparing a glance backward. Behind her, the controller crashed into the floor of the box, smashing the button and sending the Spacecar on a hundred mile an hour uncontrolled flight straight out of the backyard.

And nobody seemed to notice the box flying over Danville and out into the distance.


	4. Chapter 4: Whiskey'd Away

Drink away

Chapter 4: Whiskey'd away

"Great. Now we're out here." Doofenshmirtz said as he struggled to get up.

Standing beside him, Mystery glared up at the night sky. He had not foreseen being thrown into an alley with the guy he currently hated most in the world. Although the trickle of blood running down Doofenshmirtz chin did make him feel a little better. During the fight, neither of them had been pulling any punches. And once the alcohol wore off, they were going to be sore

"Just so you know." The masked man said. "I had this whole revenge scheme set up. It was going to be far more than just punching you out of a bar."

"Really?"

"Yeah... I wasn't thinking straight, and I kinda jumped the gun. But I had built this whole inator and-" Suddenly, Mystery stopped talking.

"Well?" Prompted Doofenshmirtz.

"I can't say. The mystery," He held up his hands and wiggled his fingers. "Is my allure."

"What? You can't just, _just mention_ an evil revenge scheme and not even give me the dreadful details! I-I don't even feel threatened! What kind of evil villain are you?"

"A mysterious one."

"That's not-"

Doofenshmirtz reply was cut short when the two of them were suddenly knocked to their knees by a flying cardboard box. The box promptly crashed into the wall behind them and came to a standstill.

"Was that part of your revenge scheme? Because if it was, that was a great entrance. I give it a B+."

"No, that wasn't part of my revenge scheme!" Mystery said. He blinked and added:"Does that mean it's part of someone else's?"

Curiosity drove both men forward to get a better look at the thing. The dim lighting made it hard to see, but they could just make out the image on the side of it.

"Why is there a car drawn on the side?" Mystery asked.

"It looks like a rocket to me." Doofenshmirtz said.

Normally, one might be more cautious of a random object that fell from the sky. But neither of them were known for their caution and the alcohol wasn't doing them any favors.

Without hesitation, the two of them reached out and pulled open the cardboard doors. They took a good look at the insides of the spacecar.

"It looks just like a car!" Doofenshmirtz said.

"Ha! That means I was right. It is a car drawn on the side." Mystery said.

Doofenshmirtz wasted no time in climbing inside.

"What are you doing?" Mystery asked.

"Taking a closer look. Hey, it has cup holders! This is _so_ much nicer than my car."

Mystery hesitated, exercising what was probably his last shred of rational thought for the night.

"I don't know about this... I mean, where did it come from and what is it doing here?"

Doofenshmirtz paused his rummaging of the glove department.

"I guess you could say..." Doofenshmirtz said, holding up his hands and wiggling his fingers. "...That it's a mystery."

Mystery growled. How dare that cardboard box steal his thunder. Without further consideration, he hopped inside as well.

The interior of the vehicle was actually quite nice. If not for the outside of it, he'd have said it was an actual high-end car. Only one thing was missing.

"Where's the steering wheel?" Mystery asked.

"Hm?" Doofenshmirtz looked back at Mystery, who was in the backseat. "Did you try the _front_ of the car?"

Mystery glared at him.

"I can see the front from here. There's no steering wheel."

Doofenshmirtz looked to the side.

"Huh. Did it fall on the floor when it crashed? Believe me, when my inators get broken, the pieces end up in the weirdest of places. Oh, here it is!"

He held up the atari controller.

After a brief moment, Mystery questioned him. "How drunk are you?"

"What?" He glanced down at it. "Oh, I know it's not very _round_... Or wheel-like for that matter. But it's clearly how you're supposed to drive this."

Mystery raised an eyebrow and wondered if he'd just crawled into a box with a crazy person. Doofenshmirtz noticed the disbelief and frowned.

"Look." He said.

He tapped the joystick and suddenly the box lunged to the left, slamming both of them to the side. And for cardboard, it wasn't very soft.

"Okay! Okay!" Mystery clung to one of the seats, eyes wide in shock. "Don't do that again. You're going to give me a concussion."

Despite the fact he crashed into the wall too, Doofenshmirtz smiled smugly. He didn't have many talents or much luck, but he knew his way around machinery. Properly using it on the other hand...

"Hmmm... If the joystick controls the direction, I wonder what the button does..."

To be fair, he wouldn't have thought better of pushing the button even if he had been sober.

Doofenshmirtz and Mystery screamed as they found themselves rocketing through Seattle. They were pressed back into their seats by the sheer force of speed. Skyscrapers whipped past them, making the view from the spacecar look like they were going through a tunnel. By some miracle, they missed crashing into anything. Soon, they weren't even in Seattle anymore.

"Turn it off!" Mystery yelled from the backseat.

"I can't! I dropped it!"

Mystery cursed under his breath. He let one hand go and felt underneath his seat. He knew it was there, he could hear it rattling against the back of the seat.

He managed to grab the controller and pull it out. He stared down at it for a few seconds.

"So, do I press the button again?" He asked.

"Yeah, sure. Why not?" Doofenshmirtz replied. "I think that's how it usually works."

He pressed the button. This time, it activated the rocket launch sequence. They found themselves going straight up, breaking atmosphere and shooting out into space.

Doofenshmirtz and Mystery sat stunned. Outside the spacecar's windows, the cosmos drifted by.

"This doesn't count as a DUI, does it?"


	5. Chapter 5: A Straight Shot There

Drink away

Chapter 5: A straight shot there

It was unusually late in the day before his wrist communicator started beeping. Perry smirked, knowing his hunch the night before was right. He was _so_ going to win that betting pool.

'In your face, Calvin the cat!' He thought to himself as he made his way down a translucent pipe.

"Good morn- Erm." Monogram caught himself. "I mean, good late afternoon agent P."

"Smooth, sir." Carl said from somewhere off-screen.

"Anyway. I suppose you're wondering what Doofenshmirtz is up to." Monogram said. "Well, so are we."

Perry gave him his best 'unamused' stare.

"Apparently," Monogram continued. "Having our entire surveillance off duty at the same time has caused some completely unforeseen consequences that no one could have predicted."

"Sir, I brought it up at the last meeting-"

"La la la la la. Not listening Carl." Monogram said. "Anyway agent P, we've lost track of Doofenshmirtz. So... Go find him I guess. And put a stop to whatever he's doing, wherever he's doing it. Good luck, agent P."

Perry saluted and took to the skies in his jetpack.

()

~Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!~

The short jingle played just as Perry landed on the edge of the building. He stood still for a few seconds, waiting to see if a trap would spring forth. When nothing happened, he made his way inside to look for Doofenshmirtz.

On his way, he took note of the mess from yesterday.

'Doctor D doesn't usually leave without cleaning up...' Perry thought. 'Odd.'

He ignored the broken bits of machinery covering the floor and started to look for Norm. Chances were, Doofenshmirtz's robot 'son' would know where he went.

Spotting him, Perry chattered in the hopes of gaining the robots attention.

"Good day to you, sir." Norm greeted from behind a fridge.

They weren't in the kitchen, there was just a fridge in the middle of the living-room. Perry half expected Doofenshmirtz to jump out and announce an evil plan to rearrange furniture. It would not be the weirdest thing he'd ever thwarted. Or the first furniture themed evil scheme, for that matter.

"How are you this fine day?" Norm asked.

Perry chattered.

"I suppose you're wondering where my dad is at."

Perry nodded and gestured for him to continue.

"Seattle, Washington." He replied cheerfully.

Perry's eye's narrowed. He crossed his arms and chattered angrily.

He was going to go thwart whatever Doofenshmirtz was doing in Washington and so help him if Peter the Panda thwarted Doofenshmirtz before he got there. He'd give them both a beating to remember.

()

A while later, Perry landed his hover-car at the edge of the city and hopped out. He'd received a message on route to Seattle from one of the other agents, a certain Harold the Hedgehog. Apparently while trying to find his own nemesis, he had stumbled across the invitation Dr. Diminutive sent out to other L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N members. It gave Perry a place to start searching.

The Platypus looked up at the building looming in front of him. Its name, The Evil Weevil, was not quite as visible in the broad daylight as it was in the darker hours of the day. Perry raised an eyebrow at the name. He knew a few Weevils. They worked for the agency and were not an inherently evil species. They would probably take offence to the name.

He entered the building. The first thing he noticed was two destroyed tables and a bunch of smashed glasses, an obvious sign a fight had broken out last night. Ignoring the destruction, he wandered over to the bar counter.

"We're not open." The bartender said. "You're going to have to come back later."

Perry shook his head and pulled out his badge. Upon seeing it, the man shrugged and mumbled.

"Sorry, Officer. What can I help you with?"

Perry couldn't speak, so he simply pulled a photo of Doofenshmirtz out of his hat and showed the man.

"Hmmm..." The bartender took the photo. "Yeah, I think I saw that guy last night. Came in here with two other Pharmacists, a short one and a bald one."

Perry nodded. That definitely fit the description of Rodney and Diminutive. Perry pointed to the photo of Doofenshmirtz again and then pointed to his watch.

"Are you asking when he left?" Perry nodded. "I'm not exactly sure... My shift was over before he left. Maybe you could ask one of his buddies though. I think they're still at the coffee shop next door, trying to sober up."

Perry tipped his hat in thanks and left the building. Perry walked over to the coffee shop but didn't go inside. While it was unlikely any of the villains were up to anything after a night of heavy drinking, he still decided to exercise some caution.

He leaped up to one of the windows and peered inside. He cringed and regretted it. Rodney was only wearing half a watermelon like a pair of underwear and Diminutive had on a pair of pink bunny pajamas that were way too large for him. They were both sitting in the corner of the shop with their heads down on the table and two cups of coffee in front of them.

Perry sighed, opened the window and hopped inside. He tried to keep the look of disgust off his face as he approached them. He chattered to get their attention.

"Ah!" Diminutive fell sideways, shocked by the unexpected noise. He was practically swimming in fabric as he frantically tried to right himself. Rodney simply groaned and covered his head with his arms.

"Everything is too loud!" He said.

"What are you doing here?" Diminutive asked Perry. "We haven't done anything!"

"Shut up!" Rodney demanded. "No more noise!"

Perry pulled out the photo of Doofenshmirtz and held it up like before.

Diminutive rolled his eyes. When he stayed quiet, Perry put one hand on his hip and waved the photo around.

"Look. I've got a hangover, too." Diminutive said, resting his head on the table. "I don't wanna talk. Just take this and leave us alone."

Without looking up, he handed Perry his cellphone. Perry took it and walked across the shop to a table in the back where he wouldn't disturb anyone. He then pressed play and watched the video.

On it, Doofenshmirtz and a man Perry had never seen before were falling over the bar counter. They were punching, kicking and even using random blunt objects they grabbed to attack one another.

Perry winced when the masked man elbowed Doofenshmirtz under the chin and there was an audible cracking sound. The platypus was starting to wonder if they were out to actually kill each other. He was relieved when the bouncer showed up and pulled the two apart. He then face-palmed when the bouncer threw the two fighting men outside _by themselves._

Despite not ordering anything, Perry left a tip on the table. After making sure to take a copy of the video and send it to Major Monogram, he returned the cellphone to Dr. Diminutive. Finally, he also sent a message to O.W.C.A headquarters informing them of the whereabouts of Rodney and Diminutive. He left out mentioning anything in regards to their attire.

Soon, Perry left the coffee shop and headed over to the alley Doofenshmirtz was last seen in. He'd just turned the corner when he spotted black and white fur. Peter the panda was standing in the middle of the alley.

Perry frowned. And then his wrist communicator beeped. He ignored the Panda and opened it.

"Good job on finding two of the missing villains, agent P!" Monogram said. "Anyway, we got that video you sent in. We've analyzed it and as it turns out, the man Doofenshmirtz was fighting was no random guy."

A picture of the masked man was displayed on Perry's watch screen.

"This is Professor Mystery. He's assigned to Peter the Panda."

Perry looked up in surprise. Peter stood completely motionless, giving nothing away.

"For the time being, we think it best that the two of you work together." Monogram said. "Monogram out."

Perry glared at Peter. While he didn't hate the panda bear's guts per sei, he still wasn't too fond of him. Still, Perry could put that aside and work with him on a professional level. After all, they had worked together before, when Doofenshmirtz had been abducted by aliens. Besides, how long could it take them to find Doofenshmirtz and Mystery in the city of Seattle?


	6. Chapter 6: The Martini's Have Landed

Drink away

Chapter 6: The Martini's have landed

"Ugh. What're we gonna do?" Mystery asked.

It was a good question, but not one either of them could answer at this point.

"Like I know... "

Doofenshmirtz threw the atari controller across the box. They'd finally worked out how to use it properly, but by then it was too late. They were too far from Earth and the fuel gauge was almost at zero.

Their hangover's weren't helping things either. There was no food or water they could find to help their headaches. Or live on. That was important too.

"... This isn't how I pictured dying." Doofenshmirtz said. In his hand he held a picture he'd found when he was searching for food. On it was a glassy-eyed platypus standing under some old oak tree. "I always thought I'd die fighting a platypus."

"Well, we're fresh out of those, but I could punch you to death if you think it'd help." Mystery muttered. He was lying on the floor with an arm over his eyes. He wasn't in the mood for talking, but it seemed nothing stopped Doofenshmirtz from rambling.

"Nah..." Doofenshmirtz said. "You're not a platypus. And even if you were, you wouldn't be _Perry_ the platypus. That makes a difference."

"Perry?" Mystery asked.

"My long time nemesis, Perry the platypus. He's this big, teal and-"

"What?!" Mystery sat up. "Why were you trying to steal my nemesis if you had your own?!"

Doofenshmirtz was quiet a moment. He shrugged.

"It was all part of an evil scheme I had! Besides," He said. "I like pandas."

Mystery glared at him.

The dashboard started to beep, drawing their attention.

"What's that?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

"Looks like a warning signal." Mystery said.

"For wha-"

A sudden collision with an asteroid cut him short. Alarms rang out as the two of them were slammed into the walls from the force of the impact. Mystery was knocked unconscious from a blow to the head.

"Oh, so _this_ is what the warning was for!" Doofensmhmirtz said, right before he blacked out too.

The spacecar careened through space, wildly out of control.

()

The trail had gone cold. Perry and Peter had searched every inch of the alley, but there was nothing to indicate where Doofenshmirtz and Mystery had gone. After that, they had, one by one, checked every coffee shop in Seattle.

And there was a lot of coffee shops in Seattle.

Now the pair of O.W.C.A agents were wandering down random alleyways in the shadier side of town, hoping to run into someone who might know where the missing men were. Perry was exhausted. He had shown the picture of his nemesis to every person they passed by, but nobody seemed to have seen him. If not for Diminutive's video, he might have believed Doofenshmirtz never stepped foot in Seattle at all.

Peter had had a little better luck with his picture of Mystery, except people only seemed to have seen him prior to entering The Evil Weevil. After that, it was as if he had disappeared off the face of the planet.

'The most annoying part,' Perry thought. 'Is that Doctor D and Professor Mystery are the only ones still unaccounted for.'

All the other villains had been tracked down and stopped _hours ago_. Doofenshmirtz wasn't usually this hard to find. He always made a big enough spectacle of himself that people remembered him long after he was gone. Something was off.

Perry opened his wrist communicator as Peter sat down beside him to rest.

"Ah, agent P." Monogram greeted him. "Any luck in the search?"

Perry shook his head.

"Hmm..." Monogram looked down at some papers and rubbed his chin. "I'm not getting any reports from our surveillance team. If I do, you'll be the first to know. Oh, and you too other agent P."

"At this point, I think the two of you should suspend the search and head home." Monogram continued. "You can resume at a more reasonable hour. I mean, what time is it over there? Three in the morning?"

"Sir," Carl interjected. "It's Seattle. There isn't that big of a time zone difference. It's twelve over there at the latest."

"Really? Well, you two should still head home and get some rest." Monogram said. "Monogram out."

The two animal agents saluted him as he closed the connection. Peter got up to leave and Perry gave him a nod goodbye. Just as the two were about to part, a cry for help caught their attention. The panda and the platypus spared each other a glance and then took off towards the voice. Home could wait, this could be the lead they needed.

Rounding the corner, Perry and Peter came upon the scene. A man had pushed another against the wall and was holding a knife to his throat.

"The cash or your life!" The robber said, pressing down on the knife hard enough to draw blood.

"Please. I don't..."

Without hesitation, Perry landed a flying kick to the robber. The man let out a yell and fell to the ground. He tried to get up, only for Peter to land on his back with a pair of handcuffs. It all went down in a matter of seconds.

"Wow." The victim was stunned. "You.. You saved my life."

Perry gave the man a thumbs up while Peter got to work calling in the local police force. It didn't take long before a pair of cops showed up to take the man into custody.

While the animals were glad to of helped, they were bummed when the cops, the victim and even the robber had no information regarding their missing nemesis's. So much for that then.

"Hey..." Peter and Perry looked up at the man they saved.

"I wanna say thank you." He said, getting down on their level. "I didn't realize how dangerous this place could get at night, and if you hadn't come along... Well.. I really mean it when I say thank you."

Standing up, the man smiled at them and turned to leave. Perry waved goodbye slowly. Though he hadn't meant to, his words filled the two animals with worry and had left them with a burning question: Just what might have happened to Doofenshmirtz and Mystery that night in the alley?

()

Doofenshmirtz woke up in the wreckage of the spacecar. His lab coat was in tatters and the rest of his clothes were covered in rips and burn marks. It was, by far, the least embarrassing thing he'd ever woke up in after going out for drinks.

"Ow... You know, I think this is worse than a hangover." He said.

Beside him, underneath an overturned seat, Mystery groaned. He'd woken up first and had been enjoying the silence. He was hoping Doofenshmirtz would remain unconscious a while longer. Or be dead. He would've settled for either.

"How did we survive that?" Doofenshmirtz asked. "And where are we?"

The entire top half of the box was gone and their surroundings were completely visible. The trees and plants around them were bright pink. In fact, everything around them was in some shade of a bright, overly cute color. Even the plants themselves were obnoxiously cute looking. Doofenshmirz got out of their destroyed craft to look around.

"... Are we in candyland? Because if we are, that is a lot of cotton candy."

"Do you have some kind of vendetta against silence?" Mystery asked, not moving from his spot. "Or do you just have a compulsion to fill every moment with talking?"

"The therapist I talked to said it was the latter." Doofenshmirtz said. "I would have asked him more about it, but we were in a check-out line and the cashier had finished packing his groceries."

"You and your therapist we're having a session at a supermarket?"

"Oh, no. I don't have a therapist." Doofenshmirtz said. "Oh, yuck! This is _not_ cotton candy!"

The German scientist spit out the leaf he had tried to eat.

Mystery finally pushed the seat away and stood up. He peeked out of the wreck and spotted Doofenshmirtz under a tree that looked like a lolly-pop.

"Ugh, That tasted _awful_. I-I-It tasted just like that cutonium I drank that one time."

Doofenshmirtz wiped his mouth with his sleeve in an attempt to get the taste out.

"Did you really just try to eat a tree?" Mystery asked.

"I can't help it, I'm hungry!"


	7. Chapter 7: In the Everclear

Drink away

Chapter 7: In the everclear

"Perry. Perry!" Phineas tried to shake the platypus awake.

Perry's eyes shot wide open. He made a very shaky chattering sound and looked up at the boy.

"You okay, Perry?"

By now, even Ferb was awake and looking at him too.

"I think he was having a nightmare, Ferb." Phineas pet Perry to calm him.

"Either that, or he really didn't like your new bedspread."

The comment made Perry look down at the bed where he had been sleeping. He could see a large tear in the fabric and he gave off an embarrassed chatter in response.

"It's okay, Perry." Phineas reassured. "It looks easy enough to fix. Hey, Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!"

His brother responded by holding up a clock.

"Yeah, okay." Phineas said sheepishly. "I know what we're gonna do today, _at a more reasonable hour._ "

The two boys laid back down. Perry waited until the two had fallen asleep again before leaving the bed.

He decided to go down to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. He needed it to soothe his nerves. He sat down at the table like a person would and took a sip. He wasn't too worried about being caught like this, no one was ever really up a this hour.

'What a nightmare...' Perry thought.

The dream had started out innocently enough, he was locked in a fight with Doofenshmirtz. Everything was normal. A trap, some-kind of inator and a dumb evil scheme he couldn't even remember. He defeated Doofenshmirtz like always and then rocketed away on a jetpack.

But then there was one difference, a break in the routine. This time he looked back.

 _And the entire building was on fire_. Doofenshmirtz was standing in the middle of it. He was yelling for help. Around him the building had started to fall to pieces and collapse. Perry panicked, and tried to go back for him.

He couldn't.

Suddenly, Doofenshmirtz wasn't alone anymore. His daughter Vanessa was standing next to him. She was screaming for Perry to help them. Perry was suddenly filled with dread.

'Not her too!'

Perry had begun to fight against the jetpack that was pulling him away against his will. He clawed frantically at the straps, hoping to tear them. He had to break free, _he had to_. Then he heard the voice of Phineas calling his name. Perry's blood ran cold.

He looked up to see his whole family standing in the flames next to Vanessa and Doofenshmirtz. Everyone he loved was about to die. _And he couldn't help them._

And then Phineas had shook him awake.

Perry the platypus was known for his nerves of steel, but that didn't mean there was nothing that could frighten him. Weapons, death traps, fighting, even the possibility of his own death... He could handle all those things with ease.

But the deaths of other people? The deaths of everyone he knew and loved?

Perry took a sip of tea as a chill ran through him.

The worse part was, one of those people was still unaccounted for. He knew his family and Vanessa were safe, it was just a dream after all. But Doofenshmirtz, his best friend and worst enemy?

Perry took another sip of tea.

()

Perry and Peter had decided to meetup back in Seattle for another round of searching. The two were walking down a main street, scanning every passerby in the hopes they might be Doofenshmirtz or Mystery. It was easy task as it was very early in the morning, and there weren't a lot of people about.

Perry still had his photograph of Doofenshmirtz, but now it had the word 'missing' scrawled across the bottom. It had been far more than 24 hours since anyone had seen him, making it an official missing persons case.

The shadows of his nightmare lingered on the edges of his mind and Perry knew it was going to be a long day. Behind him, Peter moved slower than he had the day before. Indicating the panda hadn't slept any better than he had.

How was it, with all their fighting, the villains managed to hurt them more by _not_ being there? Perry would give anything for Doofenshmirtz to wheel out of an alley right now holding an inator of some-sort with a ridiculous plan to melt coffee or something. He'd even take the whole 'yelling at whales' scheme again if it meant he knew where the scientist had gone.

His wrist communicator beeped. Although he knew better, Perry couldn't help but get his hopes up.

"Ah, agent P's." Monogram said. "I see the two of you have got an early start today."

Perry nodded and held back a yawn.

"We've got a lead."

Perry's eyes widened and Peter seemed to perk up at the news.

"It appears Professor Mystery had bought an old abandoned factory a few weeks ago. We don't know what for, but he took extreme precaution to hide it from us." Monogram said. "It was pure luck we even found it. Anyway, here are the coordinates. Be careful, the two of them could be working together."

Peter and Perry saluted and took off running.

()

The building stood before them. There were no lights and it was quiet. Perry felt his hopes sinking; it looked like the building hadn't been used in days. Doofenshmirtz and Mystery were unlikely to be in there. But they had to check to be sure.

Perry looked to Peter and pointed at the door, as if to ask if they should just walk in. Normally, Perry would have just taken charge and barged in like he did at Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. But this wasn't his nemesis's place, it was Peter's. He'd leave this one to the panda.

Surprisingly, Peter shook his head and pulled out a blowtorch. With a quick turn of his paw, he cut a round hole in the wall and jumped inside. Perry followed, taking note of Peter's routine. He didn't usually get to see how his coworkers fought their own nemesis's.

Inside was a large room, empty except for the giant inator right in the middle of it and an unfinished prison capsule to its side. From the looks of it, the inator had just been completed. While Perry could tell it was primed and ready to be fired, he couldn't tell what it was actually supposed to do.

He gestured to the machine in hopes Peter might know what it did and explain. When the panda just shrugged at him, Perry opened communications with HQ. He knew someone who could help identify the machine.

"We'll be right there, agent P." Carl answered.

()

It hadn't taken long for Carl and Monogram to arrived at the factory. Carl had immediately gotten to work on the inator while Monogram stood back and spoke with the two agents.

"You know, I really thought they'd be here." Monogram said. "I mean, how can two grown men just vanish into thin air?"

Carl gasped and covered his mouth.

"What is it, Carl?" Monogram asked.

"Nothing." Carl said, his voice too high-pitched to be convincing.

"Carl."

Carl bit his lip and cast a sideways glance to the inator. He started to fidget nervously.

"Carl." Monogram repeated, sternly. "What's wrong?"

"It's the inator, sir." Carl glanced at his superior and the two agents. "It's a non-exist-inator."

The room suddenly felt colder than it had a few moments before. Monogram's face had lost all color and the two agents were still as the grave.

Perry felt numb. Had his worst nightmare just become a reality? Beside him, Peter the panda fell to the floor and made no attempt to get up.

"... Can.. Can it be reversed?" Monogram asked.

Unlike the two agents, the thought that the two men were irreversibly gone had never occurred to him. It just wasn't how things usually went.

"I'll... I'll look, sir."

It was very quiet in the abandoned factory after that. The only sounds were the tiny metallic clicks Carl made while checking the non-exist-inator.

"I don't believe it..." Carl said. "Major Monogram, this machine has never been fired!"

Monogram released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Perry felt a wave of relief flood him and he joined Peter in sitting on the floor. There was still hope. Bleak as it was, they at least hadn't zapped themselves out of reality.

Now he could go back to worrying about all the other horrible things that could have happened to Doofenshmirtz.


	8. Chapter 8: Another Round for Everybody

Drink Away

Chapter 8: Another round for everybody

Doofenshmirtz and Mystery found they couldn't fix the spacecar, and even if they could, they didn't have anything to fuel it with. Left without a choice, the two had abandoned the box and went off to search the alien planet for a way home.

"So is this your first time being trapped on an alien planet?" Doofenshmirtz asked, both to make conversation and try to keep their minds off how hungry they were.

"Surprisingly, no." Mystery said.

"Wanna tell me about it?"

"No."

Doofenshmirtz sighed. This is how the conversation with Mystery had been going the entire time the two had been walking. He'd come up with a topic, Mystery would only allude to something regarding the topic, and then stop talking about it altogether. The masked man was terrible at communicating. Even Perry could carry a conversation better and he couldn't even _speak._

It was no wonder Peter the panda had thwarted Doofenshmirtz the second the opportunity arose. Not that he was going to tell Mystery that. He didn't want to end up wandering around the alien planet alone, with the only other human being for ten thousand light-years mad at him.

"Hey, look at that!" Doofenshmirtz said. "Those look like fruit trees."

To the left of them were many rows of trees, all sporting a fruit that looked like a big, glossy round apple. The trees were laid out in a grid pattern reminiscent of the orchards on earth.

"Those look like they were planted there..." Mystery said. "The spacing looks too even to be natural."

"Huh. You're right." Doofenshmirtz said. "That must mean they're edible!"

Mystery followed the other scientist as he ran to one of the trees. The tree's weren't that tall and it was easy for him to pluck one of the fruits off. He picked another and handed it to Mystery. The masked man looked down at it.

"How do we know if it's safe for humans to eat?" He asked.

Doofenshmirtz shrugged.

"You know what? I'm going to let you eat it first. If you don't die, I'll have some." Mystery said.

"Suit yourself." Doofenshmirtz said. "Even if it kills me, you'll only live three weeks longer without any food."

Mystery hated that he was right.

"Alright, we'll try it together."

Both men took another look at the fruit and then they each took a bite.

"Ack!" Doofenshmirtz spat it out. "Ew! It's that cutonium taste again!"

Mystery grimaced but continued chewing his.

"It's like biting into a piece of pure sugar covered in maple syrup and dipped in frosting." He said. "Maybe if I had some coffee to dip it in..."

"Coffee would not save that." Doofenshmirtz said. "Ugh. And I feel like I haven't eaten in _days_!"

"You haven't." Mystery said, dropping the fruit and looking at his watch. "My watch has a calendar on it. It's been three days since we were thrown out of the bar."

"Oooh! You have one of those fancy watches." Doofenshmirtz said. "But are you sure it's working right? It doesn't feel like it's been three days."

"Probably because we spent most of it either drunk or unconscious." Myster muttered. "We should get moving. Maybe if we follow the trees, we'll find an alien civilization."

"Or better fruit." Doofensmhirtz said as he stuck out his tongue. "I will _not_ miss the taste of _that_."

()

Phineas and Ferb were on their way to their usual spot underneath the tree. Perry was following behind, much slower than normal.

"Do you think he's sick?" Asked Phineas as he picked up Perry. "I know he's not running a fever or anything but..."

The two boys looked at their pet. His fur was sticking out all over and he seemed exhausted. It was a far cry from his usual flawless appearance.

"I don't know, but he has been disappearing for far longer then he usually does." Ferb said. He gave Perry a reassuring pat on the head. "And he's been sleeping less peacefully lately, too."

"You don't suppose something's scared him, do you?" Phineas asked and gave Perry a concerned look. He gently placed him back on the ground.

"Hard to tell." Ferb said. "No one knows what goes on in the mind of the Platypus."

Isabella took this time to stroll into their yard.

"What cha doin'?" Isabella asked.

"Hi, Isabella! We're just talking about Perry. We think something might be scaring him."

"Oh, is that why he isn't here?" She asked.

"What?" Phineas and Ferb both looked around the yard for Perry.

()

"Maybe we should take them off the case, sir." Carl suggested to Monogram.

The two of them were at the door of one of the offices, peeking in at Perry and Peter.

The two animals were scouring through surveillance documents. From on foot searches to scanning the media, the two agents had been working non-stop. At this point, the two of them looked like they'd been dragged under a bus. Some of the other O.W.C.A members were even starting to get worried about them.

Stepping through the door, Monogram faked a cough to get their attention. Peter and Perry didn't even look up. They continued reading and passing documents. He tried a louder fake cough with the same results.

"Oh for the love of- Agent P's!"

This time the two of them looked up.

"It, uh." Monogram started. "It has come to my attention that the two of you are being over worked. As such, you are being pulled from the case."

The two animals dropped the papers they were holding and shook their heads frantically. The worried looks on their faces gave Monogram pause.

"... You can return in a few days." Monogram said. "That is, if we don't find them before then. And that's an order."

When neither animal moved to leave, Carl came in to usher them out.

"C'mon you two. I'm sure they're fine. They've just fallen off the radar, that's all." Carl reassured them. "Go home and get some rest."

Left in the empty room, Monogram looked down at the papers Peter and Perry were going through. He winced. It was of homicides that had occurred in the northwest within the last few days. Now he felt better about pulling them; The two animals had been working themselves towards a full blown panic attack.

()

"You know, I think I've _seen_ these things before." Doofenshmirtz admitted. "Yeah. Yeah, these are the same aliens I was abducted by before! What are the odds?"

They'd stopped at the edge of the orchard, just before reaching what looked like a sidewalk. In front of them was a city. A very cute city that was oddly proportioned for its inhabitants. The buildings were more than large enough for human use, and served to make the aliens living in it look even smaller than they were. That was probably the point, though. They also had very rounded designs and adorable things were attached to them for decoration.

"This is..." Mystery said. "...Kinda creepy, actually. It's like I'm living in the sugar-high dreams of a five-year-old girl."

"Meap."

One of the inhabitants had spotted them and had come up to them. It was small, white and wore a pink hat with bunny ears.

"Meap." It said again.

"What?" Mystery asked it. Doofenshmirtz gave it a confused look.

"Meap." This time it made a shoeing motion as well.

"Funny." Doofenshmirtz said. "I thought they could _talk._ I remember them talking."

"I think it wants us to get out of the trees..." Mystery said.

The two humans walked forward a few steps and onto the blue pastel sidewalk. This seemed to placate the little alien and it walked away.

Several more of the same kind of alien passed by. All of them only saying the same word over and over again. Doofenshmirtz and Mystery looked at each other.

"Wow. These guys are going to be even harder to talk to _than you_." Doofenshmirtz said.


	9. Chapter 9: They're on the Rum

Drink away

Chapter 9: They're on the rum

(Note: re-posted to fix an error.)

"What do you suppose the name of this planet is?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

The two of them were walking down one of the streets side by side.

"Oh, I imagine it's something ridiculously cutesy. Like, _sugar-gumdrop_ or _lemon cake_."

Around them, the citizens of the planet seemed to pay them no mind. The two humans had found that odd at first, but just assumed the planet was used to having alien visitors. It really was the only explanation that made sense.

"Yeah, that sounds about right. Planet lemon cake, home of the lemon cake-ians. Or would that be lemon cake-lings?"

"That wasn't an actual suggestion, I was being sarcastic." Mystery muttered. "We're looking for a way _off_ the planet. Who cares what the name of it is? Besides, it's probably just 'meap'. That's all they can say."

As if to prove his point, several of the tiny cute beings meaped in response.

"Well, excuse me for trying to make conversation!" Doofenshmirtz said. "And who knows how long were going to be here. I know these little guys have spaceships, but I haven't seen one the whole time we've been here."

As if to disprove his point, a low flying spaceship zoomed over the top of them.

"Oh, sure. _Now_ there's one."

"Quick, follow it!"

The two men wasted no time and took off in pursuit. They managed to keep up for a while but the spacecraft proved too fast for them and disappeared from view behind the city's skyline. The two slowed to a jog before stopping.

"Dang it." Mystery said.

He stared sullenly at the sky, wondering how his life had gone _this wrong_ in only a matter of a few days.

"Do you think these aliens take earth money?" Doofenshmirtz asked him, suddenly.

He turned to see Doofenshmirtz standing in front of what looked to be a fast-food stall. Above it was a picture of what they were selling. Whatever it was, it looked like a corndog, if corndogs were pink and had purple polka dots on them.

"Do you really want to eat that?" Mystery asked. "It looks like a cross between a deadly disease and a Dr. Suess book."

"Hey, I remember reading that to my daughter." Doofenshmirtz said. "It turns out the green eggs and ham weren't actually bad. So I've got a good feeling about this one."

"Daughter?" Mystery said in surprise. "You have a daughter?"

Doofenshmirtz pulled out his wallet and unfolded a row of pictures. The pictures alternated between a young girl with brown hair and a teal platypus.

"Yeah, this is Vanessa!" Doofenshmirtz said, proudly pointing to the girl.

Mystery looked at the photo, then back at Doofehnshmirtz. He suddenly felt really bad about the non-exist-inator.

"Anyway, I'm going to try buying one of these corndog things. Do you want one?"

"Sure." Mystery mumbled.

He refolded the pictures and pulled out some money.

"I'll be right back." He said and went to stand in line.

A while later, Doofenshmirtz returned holding two alien corndogs.

"The language barrier made it really hard," He said as he handed one to Mystery. "But it seems they'll take earth money but only as long as it's pennies. Who knew?"

Without waiting, Doofenshmirtz took a bite out of the corndog. It tasted like cake.

"Finally! Something I can eat!"

()

It had taken them hours, but Mystery and Doofeshmirtz managed to track down where the spaceships were landing. They stood outside a ten-foot tall chain-link fence, peering inside at one of the hangers.

"So what now?" Doofenshmirts asked. "I don't think we have enough pennies to _buy_ one."

"I guess we're going to have to steal it, then." Mystery said.

He started to climb the fence.

"C'mon. Nobody's looking. If we hurry, we can make it to one of the hangers without someone seeing us."

"Have you done this before?" Doofenshmirtz asked as he started to climb. "The stealing a spacecraft, I mean. Not climbing the fence. You've more than likely done _that_ before."

"Yes, I've climbed a _fence_ before." Mystery said just as he reached to top and dropped to the otherside. "And I did steal Peter the panda's ship once, but that was unintentional."

"How do you unintentionally steal a spaceship?"

Doofenshmirtz dropped to the ground beside him.

"My ray-of-the-unknown-inator backfired and put me there." Mystery answered, then took off running for the hanger.

"Yeah... That didn't clear things up." Doofenshmirtz said, running after him. "And wow, the security around here is amazingly lacking."

The two men pushed themselves flat against the wall and peered inside the hanger. Unlike the outside, there were bunches of the cute little aliens running around. Several even looked like security guards, but it was hard to tell.

In the middle of the room were several dozen spaceships that looked ready to take off.

"Looks like security's better in there." Mystery said, quietly. "How are we going to get past that?"

"We need a distraction..." Doofenshmirtz said. "But what do we have to distract them with?"

Mystery leaned away from the wall and started going through his pockets. He pulled out a picture of Doofenshmirtz and Peter the panda fighting, a twenty dollar bill and a pen.

Doofenshmirtz did the same, pulling out his wallet and the picture of the glassy-eyed platypus he'd found in the spacecar.

"Well, that's..." Doofenshmirtz said. "That's really not gonna help us _at all,_ is it?"

"Maybe we should have thought this through a little more." Mystery mumbled.

"MEAP!"

The sudden sound startled them both. They turned to see one of the little aliens glaring at them.

"Um, Hi?" Doofenshmirtz tried.

"MEAP!" It shouted again, this time attracting the attention of more aliens. "Meap."

The two humans found themselves surrounded by the aliens, the ones that looked like security guards. Each one was holding some kind of a gun that looked more like a blow-dryer for a barbie doll than a weapon. They then parted for a rather important looking alien. It walked up to them.

"Meap." It said. It pointed at them and made a 'gimme' gesture. "Meap."

"What do you think it wants?" Doofenshmirtz asked. "It's definitely asking for something."

"Maybe it wants your ID," Mystery said. "Like an alien passport or something."

"Well, um. I don't _have_ that." Doofenshmirtz glanced down at the picture of the platypus in his hand. After a moment's consideration, he gave it to the alien. "Here. That's me. As you can see, I recently got a hair-cut..."

"I don't think he's going to buy that." Mystery said.

The alien took the photo and looked it over. Then let out a surprised "Meap!"

"...Or I could be wrong." Mystery retracted.

"Meap." It said to the other aliens. They all took a step back and put down their guns. "Meap!"

"I have no idea what's going on." Doofenshmirtz said.

"Me neither." Mystery said.

In front of them, the important alien whipped out a mustache and placed it on his face.

"I can't believe you found it!" He spoke in fluent English.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot they had detachable mustaches!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. "See that, Mystery? Detachable mustache. I saw it fall off once. Oh, and I was right, they _can_ talk."

Mystery gave them both a wide-eyed stare. Some things were just _too_ weird.

"What do you mean, we found it?" Mystery asked.

"This." The alien said, pointing to the photo. "A few days ago, some friends of mine from earth dropped by. After they got home, they found they were missing their favorite photo of the family pet. They called here, asking if we'd seen it, and by golly, you've found it!"

The little alien smiled at them.

"What can I ever do to repay you?" He asked.

Doofenshmirtz and Mystery looked at one another.

"Can you give us a ride back to earth?"

()

"Wow, I can't believe he's still here." Buford said.

Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet and Buford were all standing around in the backyard like normal. But unlike normal, an entire day had passed and Perry hadn't disappeared even once.

"How do we figure out what's wrong?" Phineas wondered. "It's just so unlike him."

Perry was currently laying down under the tree, where he had been sleeping all day.

"Maybe he just needs some time." Baljeet suggested.

Without warning, a spaceship landed in the backyard, startling the kids and waking Perry up. A door opened and a little alien appeared.

"Hello, children!" He said.

"Hi, Meap!" The kids responded in unison.

"What are you doing here, Meap?" Phineas asked. "It's not Mitch again, is it?"

"Oh, no." He said. "I just came to bring this back."

Meap held up their missing picture and then gestured behind him.

"Oh, and drop these two off as well."

Just as he said that, Doofenshmirtz and Mystery exited the spaceship and jumped down on the lawn.

"Wow, never did I think I'd be _so happy_ to see _green grass_. I mean, really, who would think-" Doofenshmirtz started to say, only to be cut off when a platypus landed on his chest and knocked him to the ground.

Dazed, he stared down at his chest, where the animal was clinging to him.

'Funny,' He thought. 'It's almost like it's hugging me.'

"Perry!" Phineas shouted. "Wow, I've _never_ seen him take to someone like that."

"Indeed," Ferb said. "He really seems to like him."

Doofenshmirtz smiled and gave the platypus a few pats to the head. It wasn't often someone, or even something, liked him.

Meap jumped down to give Phineas and Ferb their photo back.

"Thanks, Meap."

"You're welcome." He said. "Anyway, I've got to get going. Say hi to Candace for me!"

Meap hopped back in his spaceship and took to the skies. Beneath him, the kids waved goodbye.

Doofenshmirtz had gotten up and was holding Perry. Beside him, Mystery watched the spaceship leave. They were both really glad to be back on earth.

"We should get home too." Mystery said.

"Yeah, just lemme put this platypus down. It's harder than it looks, it's very clingy." Doofenshmirtz said, trying to pull Perry off.

He finally managed and he handed it to Phineas.

"Bye, kid." He said and followed Mystery out of the yard.

"Who were those two guys?" Buford asked.

"I dunno, but Perry really seemed to like that one. Hey!" Phineas looked down at this empty hands. "Where's Perry?"

There was collective sigh of relief as everything seemed to be back to normal.

()

Doofenshmirtz and Mystery had barely made it down the street when Perry the platypus and Peter the panda showed up.

"You know," Doofenshmirtz said. "This is twice within _five minutes_ I've been knocked down and hugged by a platypus."


End file.
